...and never will change

I would like to start with my favourite phrase ''i don't know why''...
Yes, and again i do not know why, but i found out my biggest problem of life.

Paradox, I need love, but when somebody wants to present this great feeling, i do everything not to receive it. WHY?

They are nice guys, mostly, but when they show their attitude to me, i hide mine! Not only hide, but totally close my heart to him. The last thing - I spoil everything by terminating friendship and any contact with this person.

I hurt so many people! I hurt very cute and intelligent guys!

And then I cry of loneliness...

True blood

Eric is real. I knew. Will meet him soon. Mmm... and he will drink my blood :D :D :D

Today

Let me explain to  you, dear blog,
I write here not only emotions and facts of my or my friends life, but also bullshit, just to spoil free space on this page.

Today I realized, that nobody really can keep anybody near without wish from both sides. So, I AM FREE from everybody! I DO NOT NEED ANYBODY! I love him, and her as well, my best friends... But I DO NOT NEED ANYBODY just to prove myself that I am alive... I am alive without doing anything...


I have future, don't I ???? Nobody can play this role but me, cause it's my life - nobody knows how to play better, right ? RIGHT !!!!

I will leave this place, this time, this life, just to start something new !!! Brand-new start, from a pieces of my heart...


...and I will not blame myself if somebody has been hurt cause of me - it's never a fault of anybody... People can't be hurt without willing.

that's really shit!!!

The more i live the more i want to die. Nothing we can change!!!


I can't explain my condition and feelings, but understand me - i am not crazy, depressed or emo... Just tired to see that nothing is good, nothing is worth to live.

God, show me the way... show me the thing that will revive me.

danke schon

I can't stop wondering how life can be changed in a moment!!!

This Xmas, maybe, i will go to stockholm, but not alone. I want to find nice company first.
About next steps - someone from above decided to send me abroad for studies. I already applied to FH-STRALSUND in Germany, Stralsund city. SO happy i could die :D Can't really wait to start :))


Everything depends on me, so i just need to be patient and do my work hard.


Nothing is planned in this case... just a miracle that it is...

To do or not to do ???

I want to make Xmas trip, but it costs so much... Now i got some stuff to pay for, so i do not know if i can fulfil my dream !?!?!!?


My phone is broken, i need new one...
I want to buy one present for my mommy...
I need to buy some really important things for myself...
I pay for medicine to improve my health now..
I want to go to gym at least for some months...
REALLY want to have some extra money in my pocket...

But, after this all, i have no money at all + maybe little debt...
WTF can i do ???

Xmas trip

Yeah !!!
I am soooo crazy, so decided to spend my xmas+ny in Sweden and Denmark !!! I am going to visit at least Stockholm, Malmo, Copenhagen...
I am searching for cheapest tickets for two persons cause i am going to take my sister with me!

Big plans. Hope to get it all...